i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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