I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
then he tried to convert me to islam
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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