I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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