Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
as a side note pls kill me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
