She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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