$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
