Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
