dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
