I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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