You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
