3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
