rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
there is glitter all over my balls
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