What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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