So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
