So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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