guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
