Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void