Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.