I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.