If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
