she woke up with a sticky ear
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
