I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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