his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
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