i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
