apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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