I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just had sex on a roof
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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