I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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