She is in my trunk
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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