pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
