I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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