Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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