I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
