my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
