he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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