stop calling my apartment porn island.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
