we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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