Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boob is missing a layer of skin
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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