She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
