If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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