the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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