my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
