no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
