someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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