I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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