I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Randomize
