thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
