When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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