Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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