Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
