I looked at my own cervix.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
