and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
