We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
