New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
