Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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