I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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