break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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